How single women defy the patriarchy

Photograph taken by Yvonne Marx 

I always wanted to fall in love. Now I am no longer so sure. It’s not that I reject the idea of love itself, not at all. I think love of any kind is the single most beautiful thing we can experience in this lifetime. What I reject is that after everything I have experienced, I continue putting myself in the same toxic relationship dynamics.  

At first, I looked inward, to my own habits and insecurities, but the more I looked at myself, the more I noticed the same patterns in heterosexual relationships around me.  

I found myself wondering – is male dominance inevitable and if not, why do women keep tolerating this kind of behavior?  

There were three things in the power dynamic disparities between men and women that stood out to me (though there are without any doubt many more). Most people will acknowledge that there are fundamental differences in the ways men and women communicate (whether this is taught or inherent is up for debate). When it comes to making decisions that will affect both people in the relationship, I have noticed that women tend to put topics out on the table for discussion, while men tend to make these decisions on their own and solely inform their partner about their conclusions. Whether it was about one person moving away, going out on your own/to a party only one person was invited to, whether it was still okay to hang out with your ex or the timeline of the relationship, I noticed these patterns a lot.  

Something I particularly noticed in long term relationships/marriages where the couple has fundamental, life-important decisions to make, is that usually the men insist on having the last word. And as a consequence, to keep the family peace, women are more likely to make big compromises.  

My third observation is an obvious one for all women: in some twisted manner our reaction to a man’s faulty actions, somehow leads men to consider us as overdramatic, playing the victim or being manipulative. Many people still have an internalized misunderstanding that showing strong emotions equals acting irrationally, while showing no emotions in an emotionally charged situation is perceived as being mature.  

All my thoughts come either from my experiences or people I know so it does not have to apply to everyone. Few things do. Most relationships we experience are simply not meant to be because not everyone is compatible. And often when people don’t fit together their behavior will show it, even if they are not yet consciously aware of it. In people my age I have mostly noticed small signs of internalized misogyny, but in long term relationships or even marriages power struggles increased. Maybe it is because they are a different generation and Gen Z will be more progressive, but honestly? I doubt it. If people aren’t aware of the patterns, you can see nothing will change.  

What I am talking about aren’t isolated incidents. I believe that it is in fact a systemic showcasing of internalized misogyny by men who often view women as their equals in a general sense of life yet are unaware one of the deeply patriarchal and discriminating habits they have been taught as the norm and therefore, they continue showing them. Mostly without even being aware of it.  

So, what do the sexes think about this? (Please note here that sex is not the same as gender and I do not wish to invalidate anyone’s existence!) 

Women I talked to generally agreed with my claim that men assert more dominance in relationships, while the men I talked to were pretty adamant about this not being the case. According to men, the vast majority of relationship dynamics are completely equal. Particularly in adult relationships it was reasoned that the only clear power differences could originate from people taking the lead where one person has more interest or skill. In many heterosexual relationships gender roles continue to be performed and hence, with women taking ‘control’ of household or child raising decisions, men might be more in charge of financial responsibilities. And since almost everything in our lives leads back to money, it could therefore, seem as if men are more dominant. 

But regardless of whether men think that their relationships are equal, as long as women feel that they regularly have to fight to be heard and seen as equal, one has to wonder why do women stay in these relationships? 

My mum, my therapist and I have all asked that very question about my past relationship dynamics. I do have to admit that I have not always made the smartest decisions in my past dating life and like many people ended up with boys that had difficulties respecting me and showing me the same compassion and consideration, they would ‘the boys’. But the question as to why I kept dating people like that remained. 

The answer is that I never understood that a relationship could look different. I never thought to question the dynamics that I saw in almost every relationship throughout my life. To be completely honest, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I became aware of subtle misogynistic mannerisms of many men in relationships. I believe that many women aren’t aware of them either, mostly because social norms still try to hinder women from realizing their individual worth: a) patriarchal habits/customs are normalized and therefore, can be difficult to detect, b) women are taught that they especially have a responsibility to nurture and work on the relationship and if it doesn’t work out or they leave it was somehow a personal failure on their part; ‘They could have put more work in, couldn’t they?’, and c) apparently there is little in life that is scarier than being single.  

I see a lot of girls and women tolerating toxic behavior by their partners because they have been taught to seek male validation and fear their rejection. I too am guilty of this. It can be incredibly difficult to change your perspective on yourself and your behavior. My light bulb moment came when I noticed that every time a relationship or dating phase ended, I felt physically liberated. It was as if a previously crushing weight had been lifted off my chest and I suddenly felt like myself again. With a feeling like that I had no choice but to confront my own self-harming habits.  

Being single has opened my eyes to the relationship dynamics I used to tolerate and has given me the opportunity to realize my self-worth and standards in absolute terms. That doesn’t mean that one can’t be in a happy, equal and respectful heterosexual relationship. It only means that patriarchal structures continue to exist, and we must be aware of them to have healthy relationships. 

More importantly, when women feel like they have to make more compromises, aren’t listened to or treated differently on the basis that they are women, we need to speak up and give ourselves the chance to be treated with respect. I think it is difficult to demand someone’s respect when we don’t think that we deserve better. 

But in the meantime, it can help to remember that being single is more than a stop on one’s journey to finding ‘Mr. Right’, it is a gift where you can learn to be your own person. 

As I said, these are only my experiences - now I would love to hear from you if you had similar experiences or how you manoeuvre the world of dating and gender roles!