Feminism through the male gaze: men experience sexual violence too. Let’s talk about it.

The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dalí

There is a common misconception that men don’t get sexually assaulted. But when we look at the facts, we can see that that is simply not true. While women make up the majority of people affected by sexual violence, it is estimated that 1 in 4 men experience it too at some point in their lives. Yet, there is little awareness, education and support for men to get the help they too deserve. So today I want to platform the male experience surrounding sexual violence.

As I am a woman, these are not my experiences. However, as someone that has been sexually abused in the past and as a feminist, I want to spread awareness surrounding the topic. It is unacceptable that men due to outdated stereotypes and a false idea of masculinity have historically not been believed in their experiences and therefore, have been denied help.

I talked to one of the few male therapists for sexual trauma in Ireland, Luke Devlin, as well as men that have experienced sexual harassment, abuse or rape and I want to share what I have learned.

Our understanding and the reality of sexual assault are often two very different things. For people that themselves, have experienced sexual abuse, it is often a natural reaction to question the experience and to downplay it at first. The experience can almost feel surreal and even though you know that something feels off afterwards, you try to rationalise it as you are almost in disbelief that something like that could happen to you. At least that was what it felt like for me when I was raped. Looking back, I know that I was traumatised, but it did not feel like what I imagined trauma to be. It had happened in the safety of my own bed, so it did not even fit the understanding I had of rape. And when I did research on the topic in legal terms, it wasn’t classified under rape either. Coming to terms with what had happened took me a much longer time than it should have if more information had been available to me. Until that point, I had not known anyone that had experienced sexual violence, but when I started opening up to people in my life, I realised just how many people shared the same fate. A lot of the people that opened up to me were men and I was stunned to see just how many had had these experiences.

It shows that any conversation about sexual violence must not only include men but needs to be openly talked about amongst men.

There is still quite a bit of confusion around what counts as sexual assault. It can also be a scary term to use when talking about your own experiences, so let's break it down. In essence, sexual assault is any sexual act or behaviour that occurs without the active consent of one person. Anything that you do not want to do or have done to you with the other person ignoring your boundaries is sexual assault. For example, when you’re being intimate with someone and you are hesitant about continuing, your partner should stop. When you don’t want to do something, you usually don’t have to say anything for the other person to know. Though saying “I don’t want this”, “I want to stop” or “no” naturally sets boundaries more clearly. But looking at bodily cues, it is usually very straightforward to tell whether one person wants or doesn’t want to do something. The same consideration we extend to another person in order for them to feel safe needs to be extended to us too. It doesn’t mater whether you are a man being intimate with another man or a woman, our partner needs to make sure that our boundaries are being respected. Asking for consent and saying no to kissing or sex can be done by anyone participating and in heterosexual couples the responsibility to make your partner feel safe must not only come from the man.

In my conversations with men, I have noticed that many downplayed being groped or touched inappropriately by women. They were made to feel uncomfortable, but because these acts were committed by women, they played it off as not being “serious” or traumatic. Experiencing sexual harassment or assault has nothing to do with physical circumstances, such as height, body mass or strength. It can be used by the abuser to assert dominance, and physical differences between men and women exist, but it is a misconception that people experience sexual violence because they couldn’t fight their abuser off. Abuse is about more than just the exertion of physical strength. Being put in a position like that impacts you psychologically and you don’t think or act as you would want to when you hear about these situations. Mental abuse accompanies physical, and it does not make us weak or any less strong if we don’t punch the hell out of that person in that moment. Looking back, we can always ask ourselves, and at least I did, why we didn’t push the person away, why we didn’t scream or fight them more. But when you are being sexually abused, especially by a person you did not expect to do it, our bodies and minds can go completely numb. Especially since men don’t go about their lives expecting to be sexually harassed or assaulted in public as well as private spaces, when it does happen, how could you know what to do? We hear women speaking up about their experiences, but men? Not so much.

Another layer to this, as I have learned from Psychotherapist Luke Devlin, is that bodily reactions don’t have to be “negative” even when a man does not want to participate in a sexual act. When anther person is touching a man without consent, even if he feels very uncomfortable and wants the person to stop, he can get aroused. And that can be very confusing. When telling other people or when thinking about reporting, having gotten aroused and maybe even having ejaculated can feel to the person as if their experience was to some extend desired. And that is precisely why we need more information on men’s experience with sexual violence. When a man is sexually assaulted or raped, his body might react differently than his mind. But getting aroused or ejaculating does not make the experience invalid. None of these bodily reactions matter. If a person is touched in a sexual way or coerced to do something without consent, that classifies as sexual assault.

There is still limited research on the topic, but I still want to share some numbers for a better understanding of what we do already know about men’s experience with sexual violence. Studies from the US show that around 30% of men will experience sexual abuse at some point in their lives. In Ireland the numbers are similar. 28% of men experience sexual violence in their lives. 1 out of 10 rapes in the US are the rape of a man. And 1 man in 14 was forced to penetrate someone against their will. According to the CSO In Ireland 22% of men experienced sexual violence as children and 12% as adults.

What I noticed in my research is that when these numbers are being discussed, they are usually being compared to the number of women that experience sexual violence. In my opinion these comparisons diminish the male experience. We know that women have a higher likelihood of experiencing sexual violence in their lives, but that does not take away from the non-female people that went through the same trauma. Any person that experienced sexual violence matters and it doesn’t matter what sex or gender they are. Everyone that experienced sexual violence deserves support and healing without being questioned and without feeling like their experience isn’t valid.

From personal experiences I know how scary it can be to first share those experiences. Whether that is with professionals or friends and family, it will be freeing and will help the process of healing. Because if trauma isn’t disclosed, it can fester, and we will notice changes within ourselves. In men that can often manifest as PTSD, alcoholism or drug abuse, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, problems in intimate relationships and underachieving at school or work. And no man deserves that.

I understand that it can be scary to reach out to professionals and to talk about them. Our society sadly still hasn’t normalised for men to be allowed to lean on others in the same way women are allowed to. And it isn’t fair that it still isn’t normalised, but that doesn’t mean that you have to obey by these societal norms. You shouldn’t have to suffer because other people took liberties with your body. And you deserve that little bit of extra support.

And in the case where it wasn’t you that experienced sexual violence, but a friend comes to you and opens up about having experienced it, it is crucial that they know people don’t blame them and instead support them. Support can come in many different forms. Of course you can talk it through, but you can also sit in silence and show support or go do an activity together that you usually would do. There is no right or wrong way of helping those you care for, but just letting them know that you are there and are understanding of their experience can mean the world to someone.

So, to sum it up, stereotypes around men not getting assaulted could not be further from the truth. Around 30% of men do experience sexual violence in their lives and while stigma surrounding the topic has stopped many from feeling like they can speak up about it, I would encourage everyone to open up to someone they trust, whether those are professionals or friends and family. The male experience surrounding sexual violence has been dismissed for far too long, and that extra support from the outside will make your healing process feel much less alone.

Know that you are not alone. You are loved and you will get through it!